Dearest Darling Sh,
Okay - I am glad you spoke to me on the phone tonight for a good long duration, even though it interrupted your television show (what show?). It is funny how after I wanted to go after 45 minutes or so that you wanted to talk more. A good idea, I think, that you did as we tend to sort more out at the end than the beginnings of these talks. I guess we both calm down a bit after a while.
I am glad you told me you were out with J that night when I waited in your room until 3:30 am. It was a Sunday night, by the way. I went and read over my journal. You had called me on the phone in the early evening, we talked for a while, you went off abruptly saying you were cooking something and would call me back. But you never did. So after a few hours, I called you, but got no response. That is what got everything started. I know there is more about the you-and-J story, but it is good you told some portion of the truth. I can assure you
100% that the whole story would not diminish my love and affection for you! In time it will likely come out. Whatever you - a good and honourable person - have done in your search of love and affection is normal. (It is that need for love and affection that made you write "beauty and brains in search for the same" and which led you to me) It is your hypocrisy in hiding it that does you no credit. Can you please, please think about that? Please? If you love me, even a little, think about what I am saying.
I do think you are a good person -- and those are not fatuous words of flattery. I am
not in the mood to flatter you, frankly. But I know you are a good person, a truly wonderful person. You got involved with J to some degree, but it didn't work out, for the reasons you mention and maybe others. But you are lying about it never being anything more than friendship. Likely more happened that particular night than you are saying, but too much truth telling might give you an aneurysm (or so it seems by the way you pathetically cling to your lies and half-truths), so it is probably best to stop at half the story at this time. Otherwise some psychological damage might be done.
Similarly, it is good that you told me some of the truth about Mr. Singh the Sikh. Having grown up in India and studied law there, and having come to Canada and become a member of the bar of Ontario (or wherever) and then got a PhD degree in microbiology in Canada, then some time later (2005 or so) going to Atlanta and getting started in on his medical training, and perhaps helping out with the family business along the way, he is not 31 goddamn years old. You know it and I know it. So either you know how old he is and are lying to me, or you don't know and you are just using the vital statistics from the Pakistani/NY doctor.
I doubt that you have actually introduced him to your parents. I doubt very much that your mom was present when he came to London the week of the phony trip to Croydon for the Eid festivities with a friend, or the week of the news of L's problem pregnancy in January. I doubt you are still a virgin. But none of that is very important. I already assume all those things, so your lies are having little affect, except to take up your time and effort trying to keep track of them.
I am glad you told me about the "wave" affect when you see me, something like the emotional and physical surge I always have when I see you, which is proof, to me, of my love for you. Maybe I didn't notice your love for me as much as I should have that day on the way to airport, but I did notice your smile in the elevator. I had NO idea of kissing you before I saw that smile. It was completely spontaneous. Maybe that was the last glimpse of your love I will ever get. I hope not, but, as you said tonight, all this is pretty much inevitable.
You make a good point that I wouldn't want you sleeping with somebody else if we were engaged. But you are not really engaged. And, more importantly, if we were engaged I would want you to tell me the truth about other men in your life, which you have not done. And you will not do. That is your policy: secrecy. Anyway, I should have more manners. I will really, really try not to bring up seeing you and kissing you and all that. You can bring it up, but I will try very hard to avoid doing it.
You should not be afraid of me. I don't know how to convince you of that. What I did in trying to frighten you that day last year was a terrible aberration in my life. I deeply regret it. I would rather kill myself than do something like that again. But maybe you will find that hard to believe. I can't blame you. But in March and April and August of last year we were together, in very much intimate circumstances. After the first chilly day in March, when you met me at that park (the sunbath and talk at 2 am park) but relented and came with me -- after that day there was no sign of fear between us. Indeed, and this is very clear, you were punishing me and I am intimidated by you.
Now, I do agree that it is not good for you and your studies (does Mr. Singh ever complain about your un-ending requirement for rotations, exams, studies for more exams, etc.?) for you to be upset. And me going on about all these things can be upsetting. It is stirring up emotions of love and hurt and resentment and so on. So, by and large I should try and avoid contacting you much at all. The qualifying exam for the USMLE is important. I hope you register to take it in London.
I will try and try to not upset you, and to keep myself on a level plane and concentrate on my own life. I am getting a little better at that, despite this latest flurry of upset. But I do love you very much. How many times have I told you that? How many words have I used to try and craft some eloquence about the depth of that love? I have tried very hard to express it, but nothing has come close. My love for you is like a second heart beating inside of me: it is always there and always filling my body with something like blood.
But, now that you have told some truth, we have degree of equilibrium. And so I will try and leave you alone.
Good luck on the USMLE. I will tell you when L has her baby.
I have doubts that Mr. Singh is the one for you. Maybe you should stay single. Maybe Mr. Singh
is a way for you to stay single. You will have a long involved "engagement" with him, during which time all official suitors are kept at bay. Well, we see about that. Maybe you need a bad first marriage.
Please - tell me the truth from now on. I won't hurt you.
I love you very much.
take care my most precious darling,
R
