Denial - The end, or at least a new phase

I read today a number of emails from an old love, one I have been trying to hang on to, to her new lover. A painful process, but I hope it has put things into perspective. So now I say to myself, "oh, she doesn't love you!" I never really believed it before. Now I do. Forward, my broken heart.

Should I write this in my journal? The paper one? Should I eat something? For two hours or more as I read these emails I become a ghost and simply lived the words of her stormy affair with another man. A man who said so many things exactly as I said them, about wanting to meet her family and get married soon, etc.. A man who fell in love with her very nearly as deeply as I have. A man who is probably not a Muslim, but who is Indian. A man who apparently need a hair transplant. As I read all this, I disappeared. Now I have awoken and I am weak.

My appetite is gone. My stomach is heavy and warm, like it was half filled with blood.

Day one of the new constellation of loneliness.