2005 explained

November 27, 2005

I find since I got here...I am thinking of J alot..but some how I do not know why...but I feel like nothing will happen between us like I had hope...maybe I am being paranoid...I spoke to N before I left...like saying Good bye to her...and she start telling me how she still loves J...and some times she wants to leave everything including her husband there in England and go back to him...I think J is still hung up on her too..and maybe the best thing for me..is just to let go of him completely and left them alone...it makes me sick to listen to her go on and on about the two of them...when i have feelings for him too...and she is married...I try to patient in England...but I do not think J wants to get over her either...I do not know what to do...I know he care for me...but not the way I want a man to love me..Plus I cannot share him with someone else especially if she is married..It makes me feel like I am worth nothing...I am so sad L when it comes to J...Some times I wish he had not told me he had feelings for me..and I never would have been in this position pining for him..Please do not say anything to him about what I am telling you..I have no one to tell these things to but you...I will see how it goes...I care for him so much..that I am afraid to even tell him what I feel ...thinking I might lose him...Sometimes I wish I know what he wants..If he tells me what he feels or not feel for me..it will be easier and the sooner I can accept things and move on if I have to..but he is not saying anything....Sorry to unload on you...but i just have to tell some one...