Growing Dark, End of December, 2006

It is growing dark here in Ottawa. I am in my office on the 6th floor looking out at the sky as the light passes away. I feel something, some emotion of sadness, of loss, of the death of the light, and wish I could, now, reach out and touch your hand as this feeling gently flickers through my mind.

I realize as I think this that this is often true: that I often I wish you were here so I could reach out to you. Reach out to touch you, to hold you, but also just to share all this that is inside of me. To share it with a woman who loves me. To share it with you.

I love you very much,

Phone Call

So, long chat with SH. She says that she will marry the Pakistani doctor for sure. She "has to do it" as her family has said she has to.

She was in New York as I had thought.

I told her I loved her always. That she might love me, but soon her new husband and her new career and her new babies and her new life will push any thoughts of me. But, for me, it won't be like that. The time with her, espcially before Frank, will be the high point for me, the pinnacle of love in my life. December 2003 .... all I want to do is live that month over and over again.

I told her to finish her rotations at WCUH, even though she can not do neurology. Might do pathology instead. Don't want her to fail to get the MD as the new tyranical in-laws may prevent her from finishing when she gets to NY.

She says she loves me, but it doesn't make any difference.

She says the Pakistani doctor is in contact with her now and then.

She doesn't want me to come to London in February, because she is engaged.

I told her to tell me when she is married. She asked why. I said because I will always have a small spark of hope that she will turn away from this arranged marriage and towards me, even if at the last moment. Once I know she is married, then I will know that I must put out that spark.

She complained that people love her too intently, including me and her grandfather.