Hesitation Stockings, Hestiation Shoes

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Worried Man

Had Steak for dinner. For some reason I'm starved.

Growing tired of the boys. Checking out the muffin crumbs on the table. M like a large child squawking and ranting ... which comes in handy during the negotiations at times.

GK quite attractive and earnest. Eloquent at times. Pushing out the bounds of where they can go.


Ottawa time

No sh last night. Hope it was because she went to bed early. Wonder about the 31 year old fellow with the picture that makes him look younger.

Drinks last night; not very compelling. Ger and Jn at Tim Horton's this morning.

Cold and clear in Ottawa.

Reading Line Of Beauty. Digesting the male-male sex scenes reasonably well. Some lovely passages. Can see why it won the Booker (hopefully some one will write that about a book of mine one day!)

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Thursday

Phone call late yesterday. Interview with Justice on February 10th for a job back in Vancouver.

Sh better mood tonight, but she has a sore neck. Stress and uncertainty. I hope she can get back to school soon. Maidstone.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Doc

Just saw the doc. Blood tests tomorrow. Sh is on the phone. She was querying me on messenger about the results. All as she had predicted, more or less. Although this doctor became more interested in the colitis angle after probing and prodding my stomach area.

J doesn't answer on messenger. A doesn't answer.

I'm eating chicken and rice soup. Sausages and eggs for dinner.

Went to the gym this morning. 90.7 kilos, something like that. Which is right around 200 pounds, which is not good.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Sunday Again

Just sent a longish e-mail to darling daughter Leah.

Still feeling light headed. So I have reserved my strength for household tasks and didn't go to the gym. Laundry is in process; dirty dishes calling out from the kitchen.

Sh was on-line for several hours yesterday, but said she could not talk to me. A little puzzled about all that. Makes me suspect F but I must (must) keep that under control.

Listening to the radio. Just listened to an Israeli spokesman say that Abu Abas must remove any hope of the "right of return" from the palestinian refugees. It is strange that the Israelis can insist so serenely and idigninantly on what is, when one looks at it closely, ethnic cleansing. The big civil rights task of the next 10 years (or more) is to bring Palestinians into the sight of the law.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Developments

Well, finally, finally got to gym. Struggled to do 25 minutes, 300 calories. Now home and feeling weak. Afraid to soak in the tub lest I faint. 90.5 kilos ... so, not good; gained 4 kilos in a month. Been eating somewhat indiscriminately lately trying to keep up blood sugar and health, etc.

Last week: went to Dettah; went to Ndilo.

Made my coffee this morning. R showed me her outfit for exercise. And a cigarette.

J & A may not be "&" anymore in Mumbai.

Lucas's first birthday party today.

Sent an email to Clayton the guitar set up guy in Vancouver.

Got the bill for the trip to Trinidad.

Waiting for the night when I can see Sh again on messenger. She wants to see me each night. She says, "love you". But she won't marry me, even if I win the lottery, so I won't bother winning. I guess.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Back, back

Oddly enough, I am tired and hollow. Feel like nothing but sleep. I shall not be able to go to the gym tomorrow. Which is not good, as I weight 88.5 kilos now, have gained weight over the Christmas season. Maybe it is the flu.

I have alienated Say and ticked off An. Goodness me, you would think it was intentional.

S. says that she loves me. I am reborn, but muffled somehow, or thickened, with age or sickness or depression, or the rancid coating of soured desire.

Ottawa at the end of the month.